How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize