Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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