Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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