i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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