so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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