put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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