Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
They have beer where we have blood.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
