Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
