I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
