Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
