yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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