She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My cat gives me a boner
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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