I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
