yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
