OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
