I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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