I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize