can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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