Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
