think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
