thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
