Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Im part way to drunk.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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