Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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