bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
