What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
