Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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