They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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