wanna go halves on a baby?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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