life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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