my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
