I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
