Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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