I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Please don't give away my fajitas
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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