The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Randomize
