If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
