I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
