The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
