Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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