My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
