I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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