wrigley field is MILF paradise
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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