Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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