I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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