at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
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