she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize