remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
