Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
