i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
