I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
