there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
