i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
