do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
