your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
me + whiskey = a bad person
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
