Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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