On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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