if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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