I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
