One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
