this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
