You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So apparently I’m into choking now
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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